02.12.10 | Brian Sieck | Staff NotesPrint this Post
“One thing for sure, love stinks,” says the J. Geils Band, and they couldn’t be more right. Tinseltown has certainly made its fair share of films that are the antithesis of romance over the years, from the Academy Award-winning Kramer vs. Kramer to the comedy favorite The War of the Roses. While scores of consumers will be out and about on February 14, celebrating the forced love trap and completely invented retail holiday known as Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be fun to laud an Anti-Valentine’s Day movement. It’s with that in mind that I present this smattering of favorites (spanning both comedic and dramatic genres, excluding any film that involves murder however, because that would just be cheating) that basically conveys that when it comes to love, sometimes it’s just better to be alone.
Porky’s (1981): No one can argue that this box office smash isn’t completely devoid of romance, but what it lacks in that, the movie certainly makes up for it in fun. Perhaps the ultimate teen sex comedy, Porky’s centers on the adventures of a horny, 1950’s high school basketball team. Instead of focusing on dating and relationships, the classic deals with losing one’s virginity, pulling pranks at a gang bang, and the effect of the boys’ locker room on certain females (courtesy of future Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall). The fact that this outrageous romp doesn’t exactly deal with relationships may make it an odd choice for this list since it has nothing to do with love, but for all its sexually comic machinations, the film still illustrates that one’s search for human contact can be fraught with foibles.
The Last American Virgin (1982): “Are you ready for the sex girls”? That’s the question blaringly posed by the Gleaming Spires on the soundtrack of this somewhat tawdry but still entertaining comedy in the vein of Porky’s. Apparently, the answer for three high school friends is “yes.” However, for all its zany antics, the film does take on a more serious tone, as it deals with patronizing prostitution, STDs and teen pregnancy. The main plot point deals with two friends (Lawrence Monoson and Steve Antin) competing for the affection of the same girl (Diane Franklin). The movie suddenly turns down a dark (and an admittedly emotionally manipulative one, at that) path for its climax, and after all the laughs, viewers will undoubtedly feel depressed and unwilling to ever enter into a relationship again.
Husbands And Wives (1992): Writer/director Woody Allen once said, “The heart wants what the heart wants,” and while this may not be Allen’s most popular film about the fickle nature of love, it may be his most underrated. Off-camera events overshadowed the effort at the time of its initial release (more proof that relationships aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be), but the fact remains that the deft script, brilliant pacing and incredible performances combine to showcase the often elusive and futile attempt to truly connect with other humans. It’s impossible not to feel for every single character—whether it’s Allen, Mia Farrow, Sydney Pollack, Judy Davis, Juliette Lewis or Liam Neeson—as they struggle with such issues as divorce, infidelity, and the prospect of settling for what one doesn’t really want. It just goes to show that whether one is single or in a relationship, the proverbial grass may always be greener on the other side.
Damage (1992): Where to begin with this one? In what has to be one of the gloomiest films in recent memory, Damage tells the story of two people who are so emotionally bankrupt that the only way they can feel any emotion (not necessarily pleasure) is through their sexual obsession with one another. Jeremy Irons stars as a married British government official in Louis Malle’s tragic tale, who only needs a single look into the eyes of Juliette Binoche to risk everything he has and dive right into an illicit affair with the girl. Does it matter that the comely female he’s carrying on with happens to be his son’s fiancée? Of course not. It’s not that they want to hurt their loved ones, it just that they’re so bereft of a legitimate way to handle their feelings that they can’t live without the soulless sexual release they get from one another. Thus begins a very uncomfortable journey that soon spirals out of control and may just ruin any faith viewers have left in humanity.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995): Nicolas Cage won an Oscar for his portrayal of a man who decides to drop out of society and drink himself to death (and who at one time or another hasn’t been able to relate to that?), and deservedly so. He migrates to Sin City to undertake his task and soon meets prostitute Elisabeth Shue. The pair soon enters into an unlikely relationship. The two characters have good hearts, their connection is actually a tender one, and ultimately viewers can take something positive away from the film. However, the fact remains that the film is dark, sad, the union between Cage and Shue is doomed from the start, and viewers must wait uneasily for its conclusion. Great stuff!
Love Stinks (1999): I hate to be redundant, and while this film is just an inferior retread of The War of the Roses, Love Stinks is still entertaining and worthy of being included on this list. Most critics hate the movie and will cite numerous pretentious reasons why (though, some are valid). However, the short amount of time in which the lead couple (French Stewart and Bridgette Wilson) turns on each other only adds to the absurdity of this fun farce.
Election (1999): This one is a bit of an odd choice, but set against the process of a high school student council campaign, Election hilariously showcases the damage that can be done when teachers indulge in inappropriate relationships with their students and how that behavior can spill over and affect others in their lives. After all, such insanity goes on almost daily in the news, therefore making it perfect material for satire and cementing this film as a superb choice for Anti-Valentine’s Day. Furthermore, the film shouldn’t be missed for the supreme casting of Reese Witherspoon as an overachieving, would-be class president, and Matthew Broderick as her vindictive teacher.
The Rules Of Attraction (2002): This adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis (one of my favorite authors) novel of the same name takes aim at just how difficult it can be for young people to make a genuine connection with one another. This is especially the case when meaningful relationships consistently take a backseat to drugs, meaningless sex, and extreme depression and apathy. The film, completely effective in its detachment and unapologetic for the reprehensible behavior of the students attending the fictional Camden College, thoroughly details how it’s impossible to ever really know a person—as made evident by Shannyn Sossamon and James Van Der Beek’s characters—despite one’s desire or efforts.
Broken Flowers (2005): “I’m a stalker in a Taurus,” says a deadpan Bill Murray in a semi-dramatic role, as an aging lothario who learns through an anonymous letter that he fathered a son nearly twenty years ago. This leads him to whittle down a possible list of mothers and set about on a cross-country trip to discover not only if he indeed has a son, but where he went wrong with his past relationships and why history keeps repeating itself. While the caustic movie from cult director Jim Jarmusch ends on a somewhat hopeful note, it still points out that one’s past can be rife with painful mistakes and regret.
Revolutionary Road (2008): What did unhappy suburban couples do in the 1950s when divorce was unacceptable? They may have taken to the behavior exhibited by Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in this powerful and destructive film. When their plans as married people don’t work out for them, it leads the stalled and bitter pair to make choices that are less than positive. Completely ruthless in its melancholia, Sam Mendes’ biting effort demonstrates that perhaps the worst thing in life is to be trapped.
Have a favorite Anti-Valentine’s Day move? Let us know?
I wouldn't have said these movies were the antithisis of love. Surely they are about love gone sour...and therefore too much love. If people still love each other enough to want to kill each other or ruin each others lives it is about too much rather than the opposite of....
all good choices--i never thought of broken flowers this way before. i always thought straw dogs was the ultimate anti-valentine's day movie, but perhaps that's too unsettling for this list.