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Remakes, blah. Reboots? They’re so yesterday. I own thousands of comic books, but even this hardcore comics fan has had just about enough of comic book movies.
Big-budget motion pictures based on videogames are old hat. Films based on board games—which you’d think would have been buried forever based on the public and critical response to Clue—are about to enjoy a mini-renaissance with the release of Battleship and, no kidding, an eventual adaptation of the game Monopoly being headed up (at least for now) by none other than Ridley Scott.
Maybe you’ve heard of him:
Alien. Blade Runner. Thelma & Louise. Gladiator. Black Hawk Down. Alien, for crying out loud. Scott has been nominated for the Best Director Oscar three times.
It is indeed tempting to openly mock the notion of a Parker Brothers’-inspired blockbuster, where the hero may be a short, portly fellow with a handlebar moustache (Philip Seymour Hoffman in an “A”-list cast, or Jason Alexander if it’s deemed straight-to-video-worthy instead?); where “Passing Go” and “Community Chest” will have to be worked into a script that also features red hotels, a Scottie terrier, and a thimble—but we should remember that we’ve already had “the Facebook Movie.”
That film was nominated for eight Academy Awards, and was considered for some time to be the frontrunner for Best Picture. No, it didn’t win, but think about how just how close The Social Network—the picture derided by so many in the early going as “the Facebook movie”—came to taking the top prize.
Stretch Armstrong. Candy Land. Ouija. Could they really all be on the way? They’ve all been talked about, so the threat of movies based on those properties is real. Pause for a moment, though, before you laugh and sneer: There’s big, big money involved in getting these films made, and I will repeat it, over and over—the Facebook movie, the Facebook movie, THE FACEBOOK MOVIE.
The next time you think one of these projects sounds ridiculous, just repeat those three words like a mantra.
Odds are, none of those potential toy/game-based movies are going to be good, or win Best Picture. That’s not a reflection on the source material, though; the odds are always against most any movie being any good anyway, and the odds of any given good movie winning Best Picture are, putting it mildly, pretty high to start. But, the odds are better than you winning the lottery. And you play the lottery, don’t you?
In God’s name, what’s next? we might reasonably ask. And here’s my answer:
TV game shows.
Yes, there is already a precedent for this because of The Gong Show Movie. But that was in 1980. Who remembers 1980? Plus, it tanked, and barely anybody remembers it, so most people—or, at least, power brokers in Hollywood eager to cash a check—will think this concept is completely fresh territory.
And now, the pitches:
JEOPARDY!
“What is the movie that stars Steven Seagal as a humanities professor squaring off against Watson, a newly self-aware computer that leads the members of a wily terrorist cell in setting up targets all over the globe?” The concept for this smart-but-action-heavy hit already comes pre-sold as a trilogy; Seagal films the sequels Double Jeopardy! and Final Jeopardy! back-to-back on location in Tibet.
TIC-TAC-DOUGH
Think the 1% has it easy? Think again! This timely drama scripted by David Mamet proves sassy enough to bring Steven Soderbergh out of his voluntary retirement, and is part Trading Places, part The Game, and turns into the box-office smash that defines our turbulent times. Two powerful Wall Street execs (Helen Mirren, Samuel L. Jackson) decide to teach two spoiled newbie interns nicknamed “X” (Justin Timberlake) and “O” (Zoe Saldana) a lesson, by manipulating them into making choices that set them at war against each other. What happens when they catch on? It’s this simple: Somebody wins. Somebody loses!
MATCH GAME
There’s nothing as new as the old switcheroo! Judd Apatow brings his profane style to this body-switching comedy, as an arrogant nerd (Michael Cera) who’s full of (BLANK) finds his mind trapped inside the body of the hottest girl (Anna Faris) on campus, and vice versa! Now, he’s a chick whose (BLANKS) are so incredible that every guy who meets her can’t wait to (BLANK), and she’s a dude whose cluelessness is legendary. You’d think this situation would be trouble for this odd couple, but they complete each other so well they’re (BLANKING) each other’s (BLANKS)!
FAMILY FEUD
Quentin Tarantino’s backwoods blockbuster is a bloody, vulgar, and oh-so-clever four-hour hillbilly epic that recounts the legendary feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. Val Kilmer gets the career comeback treatment from QT, brilliantly essaying the role of William Devil Anderson “Devil Anse” Hatfield, while Karl Urban plays McCoy. Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘ Andy Serkis (Caesar) delivers a mo-cap performance as a flirtatious local preacher, which is flawlessly merged via state-of-the-art special effects with the face of the late Richard Dawson.
WHEEL OF FORTUNE
Round and round the wheel goes…where it stops, nobody knows—including Pat (Shia LaBeouf) and Vanna (Scarlett Johansson), newlyweds whose theme-park honeymoon goes berserk as the laws of physics cease to remain in effect once they are inside the carnival. Inexplicably stranded within its borders alongside other visitors (who now speak only in cryptic and incomplete clichés), the couple comes to realize they will have to take risk after risk to solve this mind-bending puzzle and make their escape! A diverting thriller mixing the provocative metaphysics of Inception with the surreal social awkwardness of The Exterminating Angel.
Yes, the Photoshopping is primitive and horrifying. But it’s not nearly as scary as these make-believe movies may actually turn out to be.
I’ll take “Game Show Adaptations” for $200 million, Alex.