I’m looking for what you might call a “slow week” in my little corner of the world, so that means that there’ll be no provocative explorations of the Movies That Make You Mad; no I-dare-you-to-disagree rundowns of Tea Party Movies; no qualified raves for outré fare like Antichrist , Trash Humpers, or The Human Centipede; and no self-flagellating invitations given to readers eager for an opportunity to deride me for Cruising, being High on J. Lo, or admitting I Never Saw That Classic Movie.
This time out, I’ll try to resist the urge to indulge in gratuitous bomb-throwing.
Instead, I’ll deploy a far more innocuous, lighthearted, quick ‘n’ dirty list (as if the title didn’t already give it away) of my five favorite Cheesy Movie Songs. I defy you to hear these melodies and not a) smile, b) shake your head, c) roll your eyes, d) experience a full-body willy, or e) all of the above at once—which might qualify you for some kind of Guinness world record…or at least make for a quirky YouTube video.
Oh, look, there I go, defying you again. Let’s have some fun. Coming in at #5…
5. Yor, The Hunter from the Future, “Yor’s World”—by Guido & Maurizio De Angelis (aka Oliver Onions)
Nothing perked up my week more than hearing that, at long last, this 1983 antediluvian fantasy epic is about to be released on DVD. Playing the titular time-traveling hunter is Reb Brown, he of Captain America TV movies and…well, hey, let’s give the hunky thespian his due, the guy’s still working: he’s got a movie called Night Claws in postproduction. He plays “Sheriff Kelly.”
Corinne Cléry plays Yor’s love interest, Ka-Laa. John Steiner portrays the villainous Overlord, not to be confused with Michael Ironside as the villainous Overdog from that same year’s cheezebaggiest 3-D interstellar adventure, the aggressively titled Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone.
The orchestral score for Yor is credited to John Scott, who went on to compose the perfectly respectable (and often quite beautiful) score to the beefily-monikered Tarzan film Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes—but it is the fist-pumping title song by the De Angelis brothers (the much-employed Italian musicians often credited under the name Oliver Onions) that sets up this film’s outrageous tone from the first frames. I own the LP and display it proudly. Listen and love. It’s Yor’s World, you’re just living in it:
4. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, “Suspension,” music & lyrics by Glen A. Larson, vocal by Kipp Lennon
Everybody can belt out a reasonable rendition of that rockin’ Queen theme to the ultra-fun, über-cheesy 1980 Flash Gordon flick starring Sam Jones as Flash and Max von Sydow as the best Emperor Ming the Merciless ever (sorry, Charles Middleton fans, but it’s true), but how many readers out there can reliably lend their pipes to the equally chimerical “Suspension,” the theme song used during the kinda-sorta-James-Bondish-title sequence of the 1979 theatrical version of what would later air as the pilot episode for the Buck Rogers TV series? The movie theme carried over to the small screen, sans lyrics, and while the melody is a strong one, it’s just not the same without those wistful words: What am I, Who am I…
I can hear you already, so fine, here’s my runner-up: the title tune from Barbarella, complete with its cheeky and creative title sequence (designed by none other than 007 title master Maurice Binder):
This film, like Flash Gordon, was also produced by Dino De Laurentiis, who therefore deserves our everlasting respect and fan worship not just for those goofy greats, but also for The White Buffalo, Orca, and the original Conan the Barbarian…not to mention the 1976 remake of King Kong that apparently only I ever enjoyed.
3. Zorro, “Zorro’s Back”—by Guido & Maurizio De Angelis (aka Oliver Onions)
Score two for Oliver Onions! Yes, indeed, not only was “he” responsible for the brilliantly batsh*t theme to Yor, but eight years earlier, they known as Onions concocted this inarguably hummable ode to Old California’s black-masked avenger of the weak and persecuted. As Zorro movies go, this film has its charms while being rather choppy. But the nine-year-old in me (which is about how old I was when I first saw it) can’t get enough of the film’s cheery and melodramatic score, anchored by this sublimely silly song:
The number two spot was so tough, I have to award our first tie:
2. An American Werewolf in London, “Werewolf (Loose in London)” by Meco, and Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told, vocal by Lon Chaney Jr.
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There just wasn’t enough of Elmer Bernstein’s musical score to justify an entire soundtrack album for An American Werewolf in London, so we got what turned out to be not just the “next best thing,” but maybe the best thing ever, by way of disco-era musician Meco’s “Impressions of” the film. On the album, you did get to hear a sort-of suite of the Bernstein music (which is quite effective in the few moments it’s heard in the picture), but the real treasures are the fresh versions of “Blue Moon” and “Bad Moon Rising,” as well as unforgettable originals such as “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” “Werewolf Serenade,” and the charmingly chilling “Werewolf (Loose in London).” These images have absolutely nothing to do with the music (except for their similar kaleidoscopic tackiness), so just close your eyes and imagine yourself stepping outside the Slaughtered Lamb when the moon is full:
And then there’s the vintage, rather Vic Mizzy-ish theme song from the wildly strange 1968 cult horror hit Spider Baby. Composed by Ronald Stein, the song features vocals provided by star Chaney, Jr., and it’s the very definition of “a howl.” The tune became so entrenched in cult lore that it was subsequently covered by the metal group Fantômas and the thrash ensemble The Accüsed. Here’s the original in all its gory glory:
And finally…bombastic timpani drumroll please…
1. Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze
Whose idea was it exactly to put over-the-top, heroic Doc Savage lyrics (by Don Black) to the 1889 John Philip Sousa march “The Thunderer”? Was it composer Frank De Vol’s? Director Michael Anderson’s? Producer George Pal’s? What difference does it make? The decision amounted to some kind of demented genius, because this song—and perhaps this song alone—elevated this rather disappointing and campy stab at the legendary pulp hero’s adventures to its well-deserved cult status:
This mix of music and lyrics is without a doubt cinema’s top-drawer masterwork of cringe-inducing Americana. That said, it strikes me at this very moment that the current GOP frontrunners may wish to take a page from Pal and work their own magic on this ditty to improve their odds in 2012. Can’t you just picture it?
Sing to the tune of The Doc Savage Theme, aka “The Thunderer”:
Have no fear, the Texas gov’nor’s here!
Peace will come to all who find
RICK PER-RY! RICK PER-RY!
He’s a friend to all mankind
Pure of heart and mind!
Who will make crime disappear?
RICK PER-RY! RICK PER-RY!
Conqueror and pioneer,
Thank the Lord he’s here!
OK, so I couldn’t quite resist entirely. Grab a flag and sing along! Yes, Mitt Romney, the tune works with you, too.