{"id":15566,"date":"2015-08-11T06:00:45","date_gmt":"2015-08-11T10:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.moviefanfare.com\/?p=15566"},"modified":"2015-08-07T18:22:47","modified_gmt":"2015-08-07T22:22:47","slug":"craptastic-cinema-star-crash","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.moviefanfare.com\/?p=15566","title":{"rendered":"Craptastic Cinema: Star Crash"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s Note: This article was originally published in August of\u00a02011.<\/em><\/p>\n

Good day, I\u2019m Julian Andr\u00e9, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.<\/p>\n

What Plan 9 From Outer Space<\/a> did for horror, Star Crash<\/a> does for science fiction. I do not make that statement lightly, mes amies. In 1979 Italian writer\/director Luigi Cozzi<\/a> channeled his inner Ed Wood, creating a cheesy sci-fi mess-terpiece to be celebrated and enjoyed by lovers of bad cinema everywhere.<\/p>\n

The Characters
\n<\/span>Stella Star: <\/em><\/strong>The smokin\u2019 hot ex-Bond girl, Caroline Munro<\/a>, is the film\u2019s outlaw heroine. Replete with kinky space bikinis and thigh-high high-heeled boots, she oozes sexuality. Though never lascivious in word or deed, everyone she encounters is met with a look\u2014and please forgive my indelicacy\u2014that says \u201clet\u2019s f*ck!\u201d The girl can\u2019t help it.
\nAkton: <\/em><\/strong>Played by ex-Pentecostal boy evangelist Marjoe Gortner<\/a>, he is Stella\u2019s smuggler sidekick, an android with magical powers (ability to act not one of them).
\nEmperor: <\/em><\/strong>Good guy ruler of the universe played by Christopher Plummer<\/a>, who recites his few lines in a Master Thespian-by-way-of-William Shatner Shakespearean tone.
\nSimon: <\/em><\/strong>The Emperor\u2019s son, portrayed by David Hasselhoff<\/a> in his second feature\u00e9 film. Wears as much make-up as Stella\u2026and is just about as pretty.
\nChief Thor: <\/em><\/strong>Imperial space police chief who\u2014wait for it\u2014<\/em>is a traitor! Not at all shocking, I assure you.
\nElle: <\/em><\/strong>Police assistant to Chief Thor. Is a robot. Think C-3PO\u2026except with a Texan drawl!
\nCount Zarth Arn: <\/em><\/strong>Eeeeevil bad guy, played by Joe Spinell <\/a>(you know, Rocky’s loan shark boss in the first film)\u00a0in a dime-store devil costume, who aspires to be Emperor. Hmmm. Zarth. Darth. Yes, we see\u2026very clever.<\/p>\n

The Plot<\/span><\/strong>
\nSensuous space adventurer Stella Star and her faithful android companion Akton must rescue the Emperor\u2019s missing son, Simon, while thwarting Count Zarth Arn\u2019s plans of conquering the universe for the League of Darkness.<\/p>\n

The Film<\/span><\/strong>
\nThe first scene is a set-piece totally unrelated to any action that follows, meant to impress the audience that we\u2019re now in THE FUTURE. A man walks out of a room, enters a small compartment, and is \u201ctransported\u201d on what appears to be a giant Lazy Susan to a room on the opposite side. How exciting. But wouldn\u2019t it be easier to just walk straight through to the other room? Regardless, now that we\u2019ve been blown away with this ostentatious display of pointless\u2014ahem<\/em>\u2014technology, it\u2019s time to catch our breath as a rubbish 90 minutes are still to come.<\/p>\n

The space pirates are on the run from the police when the mercurial Stella exclaims: \u201cGo for hyperdrive!\u201d Thinking they\u2019ve gotten away\u2014\u201cwe\u2019ve done it!\u201d\u2014the couple happens upon a drifting spaceship. While attending to its lone survivor casualty, Akton relays to Stella everything the man\u2019s saying\u2026even though she\u2019s standing right there! Before they can go any further, though, Thor and Elle track them down and send the captured scalawags to a penal colony where they\u2019re sentenced to lives of hard labor. Cut to Stella in skimpy S&M prison garb, complaining to fellow inmates about her rough 12 hours(!) of work so far. They empathize with Stella\u2019s plight and recommend she blow the place up and escape. So Stella steals a (wooden) rifle ray, blows the place up and escapes! Spiffy!<\/em><\/p>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\"\"<\/a>

Even the robot Elle is more expressive than Akton!<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

Side note #1: We appreciate that characters announce \u201cwe won\/lost\/did it!\u201d for us hapless viewers because, frankly, we\u2019re often befuddled about what\u2019s happening onscreen. Likewise, bleated refrains of \u201cwhat is that?\u201d and \u201cwhere are we?\u201d lead directly into convenient explanations since director Cozzi dispenses with all background or establishing shots of any kind. Crapperific so far! Let\u2019s get back to the action\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

In a jif Stella is reunited with Akton, Thor (whose green face make-up apparently does not extend down his neck), and Elle. Unconcerned about Stella\u2019s escape nor her destruction of the immense jail facility, instead Thor merely informs the rapscallions that they\u2019ve been paroled to complete a mission. Appearing on deck is a holographic image of Princess Leia\u2026er, sorry, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. He tells them about the wicked Darth\u2026um, make that Zarth<\/em> who has created a \u201climitless\u201d weapon (whatever that means) that is concealed in a planet.<\/p>\n

As the Emperor turns to walk away\u2014from what? he\u2019s a hologram!\u2014<\/em>he instructs them all to locate & destroy that weapon\/planet wherever it is\u2026and find his missing son, Simon, who disappeared from the vessel that the buccaneer duo came upon earlier. Somehow, of all the galaxies in all the solar systems in all the universe(s), Akton narrows the choices of where to go down to three places and they\u2019re off! Stella gets to use her hyperdrive again and gleefully informs us that this will reduce the journey of two months to two hours. One cheap light effect later she giddily declares \u201cwe\u2019ve arrived!\u201d What? Akton hasn\u2019t even sat down yet!<\/em><\/p>\n

Side note #2: Keen ones out there will have noticed that there is no concept of time here\u2014everything is done in an instant. They flit from spaceship to planet and from capture to escape in the time it would take you to walk from your bedroom to bath. Nip out for a beer from the fridge and you\u2019ve missed a whole battle scene! It\u2019s shite\u2026but it\u2019s also great fun!<\/em><\/p>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\"\"<\/a>

If you can look away from Stella for a second you’d see that Thor’s green make-up is fading<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

Their first stop is a planet inhabited by Amazon women, where Stella is taken prisoner for a second time. But after a fierce battle lasting whole seconds she is again reunited with the gang. Without pause they arrive at their second destination, an inhospitable ice planet. Stella walks around the frozen tundra in spandex & heels. Hey, if you got it\u2026<\/em> Meanwhile on board, Akton is killed by Thor, who reveals himself to be a traitor in league with Zarth. But ho! Akton gets up and kills Thor.<\/p>\n

Side note #3: You see, not only does Akton have god-like healing powers, it is also revealed that he can see into the future. Crikey\u2026invincible AND omniscient! So why doesn\u2019t he just tell them where to find the Emperor\u2019s son so we can wrap up this craptacular jaunt through space right now? <\/em>Akton: \u201cIt is against the law. I can tell you nothing.\u201d Against the law? What kind of space pirate is he?<\/em><\/p>\n

Stella alights at the third planet, revealed to conceal Zarth\u2019s Doom Weapon, where she is promptly attacked and detained, this time by leaping troglodytes. For such a renowned space criminal I must say Stella\u2019s bloody awful at evading capture. <\/em>The cavemen are soon driven off by the missing Simon and a lightsaber-wielding Akton. My, that\u2019s just shameless<\/em>. Count Zarth Arn then arrives for no other reason than to spell out his cockamamie plan: the Emperor has been tricked into coming there to save his son, and when he does the Doom Planet they\u2019re on will be detonated, so Zarth can become ruler of the universe. The Count exits leaving behind two creaky stop-motion robots to make sure they don\u2019t escape. With Akton\u2019s hidden lightsaber they manage to defeat the plodding duo, but at a cost\u2014Akton is mortally wounded. I thought he was\u2026oh, never mind<\/em>. No time for tears because Simon and Stella must tell the just-arriving Emperor the bad news: there\u2019s only 48 seconds before the bombs go off, destroying them all.<\/p>\n

And with that, dear reader, comes perhaps the biggest deus ex machina of motion picture history. The Emperor, stating that he still has some tricks up his sleeve, pompously exclaims: \u201cImperial battleship\u2014HALT THE FLOW OF TIME!\u201d That\u2019s genius\u2014if genius is defined as desperate and ludicrous.<\/em> Of course, that stopping time stuff doesn\u2019t apply to them; they happily scamper back to their home world, no harm done.<\/p>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\"\"<\/a>

Zarth and the Emperor show off their cool capes while Simon stands by looking gorgeous<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

x<\/span><\/p>\n

Peeved, the Emperor sends his fleet in a surprise attack on Zarth\u2019s claw-like space stronghold. The Emperor, Simon, Elle, and Stella can\u2019t be bothered to participate, and instead watch the uninspiring mission on TV! The raid fails: \u201cWe\u2019ve lost.\u201d But chin up\u2026the ever-resourceful Emperor proposes one last-ditch effort: star crash! He\u2019ll send a floating city to collide with Zarth\u2019s space sanctuary causing mega-destruction, but saving his empire. Elle, Simon and Stella are dispatched to the floating city, which is lit up like a Gay Pride float. In mere minutes the megalopolis is evacuated! Ooh, my aching skull.<\/em> Simon stays behind, leaving Stella and Elle to board the drifting city and maneuver it into the path of the Count\u2019s fist-fortress. Just before impact Stella and Elle dive out a portal of the metropolis. The super-colossal star crash is\u2014figuratively & literally\u2014a smashing success, and out of the space rubble the two \u201cswim\u201d towards an awaiting Simon, cruising nearby and shouting out the window: \u201cStella! Stella!\u201d I am not making this up; you don\u2019t know the pleasure and pain that went into writing this paragraph!<\/em><\/p>\n

Emperor Plummer wraps things up with a minor soliloquy, Captain Kirk style, looking into the camera and telling us\u2014last\u00a0time everybody<\/em>: \u201cWe\u2019ve won.\u201d<\/p>\n

Final Word<\/span><\/strong>
\nStar Crash was Luigi Cozzi\u2019s ticket to fame & fortune. He had behind-the-scenes footage filmed to document the momentous activities which he and his producers were engaged in. This was serious stuff! And as we learned from our craptastic primer<\/a>, the fact that Cozzi was genuinely trying to make a great film is absolutely essential to its lofty craptacular status. Though he did intend the film to be an homage to the great fantasy films that came before (a pastiche of Harryhausen<\/a>-esque stop-motion animation, bits of Flash Gordon<\/a>, movie serials, Barbarella<\/a>, and, obviously, Star Wars<\/a>) do not believe the revisionists who would tell you that his movie is a satiric, tongue-in-cheek take on those sci-fi epics. The reason it plays like a low-budget Star Wars rip-off is because it is<\/em> a low-budget Star Wars rip-off. Don\u2019t let that put you off, though. Star Crash is absolutely top hole! It is the ultimate in craptastic sci-fi\u2014a joyful, barmy romp through a future of wooden laser rifles, pleather spacesuits, and Lite-Brite stars.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m Julian Andr\u00e9, humble scrivener, blogging exclusively for MovieFanFare. Until next time, I bid you a fond adieu!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Julian Andr\u00e9<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Join bad movie connoisseur Julian Andre in a classic look at the Italian-made 1978 sci-fi tale Star Crash, starring Caroline Munro as a sexy space heroine and a pre-Knight Rider David Hasselhoff as the son of interplanetary emperor Christopher Plummer, <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3839,"featured_media":47240,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[1461,5588,1508],"coauthors":[1762],"class_list":["post-15566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-staff-notes","tag-1970s-movies","tag-movie-reviews","tag-science-fiction-movies"],"yoast_head":"\nCraptastic Cinema: Star Crash - MovieFanFare<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The 1978 Italian-made cult sci-film Star Crash, with Caroline Munro, David Hasselhoff and Christopher Plummer, is reviewed on MovieFanFare.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.moviefanfare.com\/?p=15566\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Craptastic Cinema: Star Crash - 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