Uncool Movie Cars

08.23.10 | Jason Marcewicz | Staff NotesPrint this Post

Hot rods and muscle cars, all tricked-out and built for speed: There’s plenty of articles out there about them. This article is not about those. The cars listed here are the antithesis of cool. Be they drab, junky, clunky, burned-out, broken-down or plain ‘ol kooky looking these are the cars that are… well, frankly embarrassing.

Beverly Hills Cop (1972 Chevrolet Nova)
After Detroit hoodlum-cum-police detective Axel Foley’s sting operation goes south he ends up heading west to Beverly Hills to find out who killed his buddy and why. The Beverly Hills PD literally tries to drive him out of town, but Axel slowly starts to make headway in the case with a little help from his old friend Jenny. And yes, he’s still driving his crappy blue Chevy Nova.

Blood Simple (1966 Volkswagen Type 1)
Marty has a job for Texas Detective Visser, who states “if the pay’s right, and it’s legal, I’ll do it.” “It’s not strictly legal,” says Marty to which Visser retorts “Well, if the pay’s right, I’ll do it.” And so begins a tale of treachery and murder where nothing is as it seems. Except for Visser’s car, that is, a rusty Beetle that’s definitely a bucket of bolts.

The Blues Brothers (1974 Dodge Monaco)
Jake Blues: “What’s this? Where’s the Cadillac? The Caddy, where’s the Caddy? You traded the Bluesmobile for this? The day I get out of prison, my own brother picks me up in a police car.” Well, like Jake I can’t say I like the looks of the cop cast-off but after seeing it go through the paces at the local mall I’d have to agree with Ellwood, it is the new Bluesmobile…just fix the lighter.

Dude, Where’s My Car? (1977 Renault LeCar)
After Jesse and Chester wake up after a night of heavy partying and can’t quite remember events of the previous day, the stoners decide to retrace their steps. Most important of all, however—even before they “save all of existence”—is finding their missing car, which holds gifts that they believe are key to their respective girlfriends’ (inferred) promise of sex.

Duel (1971 Plymouth Valiant)
A tension filled game of cat and mouse is played out on the highways of the California desert between a deranged truck driver and an unsuspecting motorist who has unknowingly sparked his wrath. David Mann is the wimpy salesman with an even weaker car—specifically chosen by director Spielberg for exactly that reason.

Dumb and Dumber (1984 Ford Econoline)
Moronic limousine driver Lloyd and his dim-witted pet-groomer roommate Harry both get fired from their respective jobs. This is prime opportunity for Lloyd to return the briefcase that a beautiful woman accidentally left in his limo before he got canned. So it’s off to Aspen for the dense duo driving in Harry’s recently converted van—a sheepdog on wheels!

The Last American Virgin (1979 Chevrolet Caprice Classic Wagon)
Friends Gary, Rick and David get into one predicament after another as they try to get laid. Poor Gary “the last American virgin” is having the toughest time of it, though he soon has his hopes up for lovely girl-of-his-dreams Karen. Not helping his standing with chicks is his job as a delivery boy for The Pink Pizza, which entails driving around in a dorky pink station wagon.

Loverboy (AM General DJ-5 Dispatcher)
Lonely and neglected women who phone for pizzas with “extra anchovies” at Señor Pizza get more than just extra toppings…they get the personal services of Randy. Who’s Randy? He’s the delivery guy who’s job at the pizza joint is actually a cover for his side-business: an escort service. Delivering ‘za in a garishly decorated Mexican-themed Jeep may not seem like the recipe for success with the ladies, but it sure works for Randy.

My Cousin Vinny (1964 Buick Skylark)
This ‘64 Skylark is the car which got a couple of New York City goombas in hot water down in Alabama. As Mona Lisa Vito pointed out so astutely it is not to be confused with a 1963 Pontiac Tempest, which has the same body length, height, width, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the ‘64 Skylark—not to mention both being available in metallic mint green paint.

Napoleon Dynamite (1975 Dodge Tradesman)
While Napoleon Dynamite’s grandma is away for medical reasons she leaves him and his brother Kip under the care of their Uncle Rico. Ex-high school quarterback Rico spends his downtime throwing footballs to nobody—“How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?”—in the field outside the orange van in which he lives.

National Lampoon’s Vacation (1979 Ford LTD Country Squire)
All Clark Griswold wants for his cross country trip to Wallyworld is a new blue sports wagon with a CB radio and optional Rally Fun-Pack. Instead he is coerced into buying a puke green Wagon Queen Family Truckster replete with wood paneling, eight headlights, dangerously placed gas tank door, and a flimsy household trash liner airbag. “You think you hate it now, wait ‘til you drive it!”

Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1986 Chrysler LeBaron Town & Country Convertible)
Del Griffith’s K-car rental is fugly to begin with, but it barely qualifies as an automobile after a carelessly tossed cigarette torches it. A local police trooper pulls over the burned out husk of a car he and travelling companion Neal Page are driving in. Officer: “You feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?” Del: “Yes. Yes, I do. It’s not pretty, but it will get you where you want to go.”

Repo Man (1964 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu)
In New Mexico a stolen ’64 Malibu is being commandeered towards Los Angeles. Something strange and quite hazardous is in its trunk. The CIA and a mysterious woman named Leila seem to know the significance about the trunk’s contents, but Otto and his rival repo men, who are also on the lookout for it, do not. Director Alex Cox on why he chose the car: “I just liked the boxy aspect of the ‘64 Malibu; it seemed very sinister to me.”

Uncle Buck (1975 Mercury Marquis Brougham)
When an emergency takes place family black sheep Uncle Buck is called upon as the last resort to look after his young relatives. Buck has no idea about the work cut out for him, trying to win the affections of his on-again, off-again girlfriend/boss Chanice and the respect of his rebellious niece Tia. Loud, obnoxious, unkempt, immense, and surprisingly reliable turns out to describe both Buck and the rattletrap sedan in which he arrives.

Uncle Buck (1971 Volkswagen Type 1)
Rivaling the sheepdog van from Dumb and Dumber is the Punch Buggy that Pooter the Clown gets around in, which is decorated to look like a mouse. A shaky and still half drunk Pooter emerges from the vehicle and stumbles up the walkway. His inappropriate comments lead Buck to utter the classic line: “Get in your mouse, and get out of here!”

Up in Smoke (1964 Chevy Impala)
How can you not smile when gawking at pot-head Pedro’s Love Machine? This mile-long low rider’s got it all: Loudspeakers in the grille; purple, green and blue fur on the seats and dash; red fuzzy balls dangling from the windows; chain steering wheel; and license plate that reads MUF DVR. The only thing that could top this would be a van entirely made out of marijuana, right?

The Warriors (1955 Cadillac Funeral Coach)
After the Warriors are falsely implicated for an assassination at a NYC gangland summit a bounty is put on them. They must then make their way to their home turf of Coney Island while trying to clear their name. Who can ever forget the end of the film when the Rogues’ spray painted hearse pulls up with Luther, the true assassin, clinking beer bottles and chanting, “Warriors: Come out and play-ay!”

Wayne’s World (1977 AMC Pacer)
Wayne Campbell may be the film’s yin but where would he be without yang of his best friend Garth? After all, Garth owns the Mirthmobile which makes its appearance right at the start of Wayne’s World. When Wayne himself gets in and produces a cassette tape of Queen we’re treated to a most excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody! The Mirthmobile is also zang for stargazing at night.

Bonus! Television clunkers:

The Beverly Hillbillies (1921 Oldsmobile)
It was a perfect montage: the famous Flatt and Scruggs tune “The Ballad of Jed Clampett” playing overtop scenes of Jed and his hillbilly clan striking it rich, then cramming into their old jalopy—with all their possessions piled on top—and heading into Beverly Hills.

Columbo (1960 Peugeot 403 Cabriolet)
Lt. Columbo was constantly underestimated by murderers thinking they had gotten away with the perfect crime because, although he was sharp as a tack, the tenacious detective had a rumpled appearance and seemed forgetful and disorganized. His arrival in his battered ragtop was a masterstroke as nobody in their right mind would drive such a thing.

Sanford And Son (1952 Ford F-1)
Though it was not highlighted so much in the actual episodes, the truck was an integral part of the classic opening credit scene.

Can you think of any other movie or TV cars that I’ve left off the list? Let me know in the comments section below.