09.09.11 | George D. Allen | Staff NotesPrint this Post
Tags: Top 10 Movie Lists
We’ve probably all played some version of the “If…” game at one time or another. There are a few movie-related “if” questions to be found in the book If… (Questions for the Game of Life) by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell, but some of those have already been sort-of covered in more than one way previously on the blog—more recently in offerings like the guest post The Best Films Ever Made (According to a MovieFanFare Reader), and in the more distant past with pieces like my own Desert Island Movies.
So, while scanning through the If... tome, I decided to freshen up the challenge by constructing my own little survey, taking some of the non-film questions and altering them to become cinematic inquiries. I’ve supplied my own answers to get you started with some helpful examples. Ready to play?
1. If you were in charge of casting the movie of your life, who would play you?
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The lighthearted version of my movie life story would feature Ron Howard—as he appears now—in the starring role. Not so much for any particular match of our personalities (though I certainly could have passed for Richie Cunningham in my teenage years), but only for the reason that more than one person has, on occasion, mentioned some degree of physical resemblance. Not sure I totally agree, but there you have it.
Meanwhile, I’d select Ed Harris to play me in the more serious-minded epic. Long ago, I’d already answered that “if” question about titling my life’s memoir, and came up with Kaleidoscope Contacts in a House of Mirrors, so I’ll use that as the title of my movie, too. Sounds like Spike Jonze should direct. While misguided vanity might drive me to the Ed of The Right Stuff, or even the messianic Ed of The Truman Show, I’d probably ask Ed to channel his performance from Pollock, or maybe even Glengarry Glen Ross (since I played Ed’s Glengarry role in the spoof video of the film we shot one slow day at the Movies Unlimited store).
2. If you could dine alone with any person from any period in movie history, who would you choose?
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Now this question demands another tie vote. For the artistic camaraderie, fan worship, and knowledge-seeking, I’d have to be sitting down with Charles Chaplin, long the filmmaker I most revere. If I were on a dinner “date” however—with all qualifiers in place obviously for preferring no other female company than that of my beloved longtime partner—I’ll have to go with Ingrid Bergman, who still ranks in my mind as the most beautiful woman of the movies.
3. If you could change the ending to one movie, what movie would you alter?
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OK, I promise to eventually stop cheating and making more than one pick…but this question, too, seems to insist upon more than one example as illustration. The fanboy in me most wants to get a hold of Steven Spielberg's A.I. Artificial Intelligence, and lop off the last 15 or so minutes. I suspect Stanley Kubrick (who had been tinkering with the same material for years and years) might have been tempted to stop the story by smash-cutting to black on David’s empty stare at the Blue Fairy at the bottom of the sea. I could be very wrong about that (UPDATE: and it appears I am), but that’s where I’d have ended the film, and worked earlier elements of it properly to steer it towards that conclusion.
Given the actual power to change an ending to a movie? I pick United 93. In my version, the true story dictates we see the passengers throttle those bastards and land the plane safely.
4. If you were to occupy the world of any movie, which movie’s world would you enter?
Finally, an easy one! Maybe it's just because I recently re-watched Much Ado About Nothing. A gorgeously romantic world where nothing very bad ever really happens. The worst things that occur here are illusions and tricks played to teach flawed men and women lessons about how to live better, and how to love better. Sign me up.
5. If you could eliminate one movie from the face of the Earth, which movie would it be?
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I left this question in even though working to answer it eventually rankled me to the core. I couldn’t for the life of me find a proper response, and I wonder if this will be equally difficult for other movie lovers. What should I choose? “The worst movie ever”? Worst in what way? And what if somebody else loves it? I was tempted to pick Rocky IV, since I still recall that long-ago movie date as the beginning of the end of a particular romantic relationship. Barton Fink was another movie that inspired a bitter argument between me and the gal I was with at the time, but how could I bring myself to eliminate such a truly great film out of spite and the wish to punish it for those bad memories? Something like Triumph of the Will? I think the world needs it to remain in existence.
So, maybe this is a cheat, but if I'm gonna wipe one movie away from existence, it'll have to be one of my own: Superdog II. I made it when I was around 12 or 13. It was the second film I made with my brand new Super-8 movie camera. I knew it was six minutes of pure merde from the instant I screened it for the first time. Sure, it made my parents laugh, but really, I’d even failed to properly execute the dime-store effects I was aiming to achieve, and, well…it’s just so very lame.
I have refused to show it to anyone ever since. I made a proper 'tweenage rebound with Superdog III, of which I was quite proud, what with its sly references to The Invisible Man and the films of Laurel and Hardy.
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Yes, these stills are from Superdog III. I refuse to upload even the tiniest thumbnail from Superdog II.
As for Part II? Yes, I still have it. So I guess the lesson for me is that even when I actually could eliminate one movie from the face of the Earth, it simply feels like a crime to do so. Moving on:
6. If you had to switch places with a movie star and live his or her career, which star would you trade places with?
George Clooney. Not just because of jealousy over the man’s impeccable looks, but also because he uses his clout to produce (or appear in) projects of impeccable taste. From Out of Sight to Good Night and Good Luck to his multiple Coen Brothers films, the live redux of Fail Safe, and the vastly underrated The American, Clooney has rarely faltered.
7. If you could have a film composer from any period in movie history write a symphony for you, which composer would you enlist?
John Barry, but not for the more brassy contributions he’s made to the Bond franchise. More for his lush romantic themes—everything from Moonraker (yes, so-so movie, but great music) to Out of Africa, Body Heat, and Chaplin.
8. If you were the bad guy in a movie, which film villain would you become?
Antonio Salieri, Amadeus. Mainly because he’s the “bad guy” I fear I most resemble in real life. Anybody who spends any time creating fully understands this movie and that character. Plus, it would have been truly something to have been there to witness the music of Mozart being conducted by its maker. It’s not a “fun” bad guy to pick—I’d go in a different direction for that variation—but this choice came to mind so immediately, I leave it as is.
9. If you could do something (outside of making a film) that would make movie history, what single thing would you want to accomplish?
Discover a pristine print of London After Midnight. Sure, it was great that Edison’s Frankenstein was at last uncovered, but this lost Lon Chaney film has been the obscure object of desire for horror film junkies for generations. I’d really, really enjoy being responsible for giving fans (including myself) that great gift.
Finally, the question for you to answer now, after you’ve answered all the rest:
10. If you could add one question to the Movie IFs Game, what question would you submit?
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