“Craptastic Cinema” Archive
Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
Trog was Joan Crawford’s last film role. Pity. The First Queen of the Movies had earned three Academy Award nominations, winning Best Actress for Mildred Pierce. But that was back in the ‘40s...a lon-n-g-g-g-g time ago. It was now 1970, and things were, shall we say, different. According to producer Herman Cohen when Joan arrived in England to do the movie she brought along four cases of 100-proof vodka. And by-the-by ,on set Ms. Crawford always had a huge frosted Pepsi-Cola glass at hand. Putting it politely: the mug wasn’t filled with soda. I do not condone this behavior, but after watching Trog I can understand why.
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Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
I remember the year: 1987. That’s when I first whiffed the noxious odor. And it permeated the entire theatre. It smelt like week-old dead crabs. What was that stench, you ask? It was Jaws: The Revenge. Phew!
This is the fourth installment of the franchise. It should be noted that Universal sent out a press release lauding it as the “third film of the remarkable Jaws trilogy.” How on Earth could they forget about the incomparable Jaws 3-D? Well past watered-down, the franchise is now a water-logged mass of putrescence. A frightful flick. Not frightening, mind you. No, I wouldn’t use that word; unless I wrote something snarky like “it is frightening to think that someone actually green-lighted this.” In fact, there is absolutely nothing scary in this movie. No suspense. Not a cheap gotcha-moment. Nobody is terrorized. Jabberjaw had more people on the run than this shark. I recently re-watched it to make sure it was as craptacular as I thought originally. I was not let down. Hold my hand and let’s take the plunge…
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Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
What Plan 9 From Outer Space did for horror, Star Crash does for science fiction. I do not make that statement lightly, mes amies. In 1979 Italian writer/director Luigi Cozzi channeled his inner Ed Wood, creating a cheesy sci-fi mess-terpiece to be celebrated and enjoyed by lovers of bad cinema everywhere.
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Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
OK, so by 1987 Sylvester Stallone had already cashed in on his tough guy but a good guy persona with the Rocky and Rambo franchises, as well as other gritty cop roles in Nighthawks and Cobra. So, he needed another avenue to push his mean machine with a heart of gold image. And what’s a better way to do that than to co-write a screenplay about truckers and arm wrestling that became the ultimate craptastic Over The Top. I can’t think of a more perfect vehicle for Sly to showcase his chops than to do a movie about an activity that most men give up after they leave junior high.
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Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
After my debut blog review of one of my all-time favorite craptacular movies Tuff Turf I received many comments from readers and colleagues alike. One in particular had me rankled. A confrere of mine off-handedly referred to Tuff Turf as a crappy movie. Which it is. But that word alone, “crappy,” does not denote the pleasure attained by watching it. It is dismissive. That's where the term craptastic—and its variations—comes into play. By their very nature craperior movies should not be dismissed. On the contrary, they should be embraced!
I asked myself, “Julian, what makes a bad movie so good?” Certainly not all bad movies have redeeming qualities. Some are just dire, full stop. Others manage to entertain, even thrill filmgoers—deficiencies and all. I’ll have a go at defining the beguiling je ne sais quoi that separates the craptastic from the crap, listing the finer points below.
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Julian André | Craptastic Cinema
Good day, I’m Julian André, and welcome to Craptastic Cinema.
We have an exquisitely craptacular film on today’s docket. The devastatingly handsome James Spader, ravishing Kim Richards, and devilishly cute druggie Robert Downey, Jr. star in the 1985 teen action-drama, Tuff Turf. I love it! And it’s perfectly horrid! Let’s introduce the main characters, shall we?
Morgan (Spader) – He’s a rebel. A new kid in town. We know this because of clunky exposition in scenes with his father as well as with his high school principal in which all is spelled out for us. (And also from the box cover.)
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Frankie (Richards) – She’s the hooker with a heart of gold whom Morgan falls for. Well, she might not actually be a trollop but she sure dresses like one—and I, like Morgan, would very much like to visit the intersection of where her long hair and legs meet up. TMI, you say? Probably. Moving on…
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Jimmy (Downey) – After simply hearing about him on Morgan’s first day of school the left-of-center drummer becomes Morgan’s best bud/sidekick. (Never mind that we’re told Morgan struggles to make friends.)
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Tags: Joan Crawford